american football
the saltiness of sweat is pungent & there’s no doubt about
the masculinity buzzing about. snaps of waistbands, & there
is the bulge hiding, tucked underneath yours. perverse, raunchy.
mature bodies & minds among my own won’t phase me. nor
the tainted little glances thrown over shoulders. & it’s not
like we don’t have the foresight to hear the ecstasy &
the passion that comes with every thrust. & it’s not like we
don’t have the foresight to see where this will “end”, only to come
back ‘round like the circle drills we do before every practice.
& much like those, it’s a constant state of push and pull. we—
I imagine not to be like those queers, & we know there’s no
one I’m deluding but myself. still, there is the football gear that
shields us from this mess of denial & everything else we
can’t put a name to. still, we ultimately cannot escape this mix
of feelings when it rears its ugly head once again. but now,
coach calls & there is no time to mend. the field is calling,
calling me in like the huddles after winning. the crowd cheers,
roaring so loud, loud enough to rid me of all the noise that hums
from anywhere else & yes this, this is what I live for. I love
winning, baby, but sometimes you can’t have it all. & as the
stadium lights shine just as brightly as the heavens, I know that I
must be taken home.
Masculinity has always been a tricky subject for me. I find that I feel most “comfortable,” or most true to myself when I adopt the characteristics of a male character, or when i find that i more strongly relate to them and use them as my role model. American Football is a result of me, a woman, taking a male perspective to express my feelings on masculinity. Football is seen a stereotypically masculine sport, and having queerness being synonymous with being “feminine” as a male doesn’t fit into the box that has been made. The narrator is hiding himself behind playing football, indulging in his “fantasies” but also struggling to accept the reality. The separation within the poem represents the disconnect between who he is deluding himself to be (“normal”) and his queerness, who he really is. In the end, he chooses to return to masculinity, to his duty.
i came up with this idea in my ap chem class and the title came from me thinking about the band american football. but anyways, could you tell that i was listening to alex g’s DSU while writing this… also i actually really love this poem.